Why I Wrote The Book
After my husband and I separated our physical homes during our divorce, there was the obvious mourning of loss and sadness for the entire family. My main objective was to make this change as seamless as I could for our son, who was two and a half at that time. Because of his young age, I truly felt that if I kept a stiff upper lip and presented his visitations with his father as a fun experience, he would just glide into this change without a glitch. I had no idea how wrong I was, or the effect this new schedule would have on him. His tantrums were small at first, but they escalated as the months went by. Everything that we did together became a fight. Whenever he was really upset and refused to do anything I asked of him, he always responded with, "I can't want to!" I began to realize that something beyond the normal two year old tantrums was afoot. Finally at my wit's end, I called a child therapist and described what I had done to reassure my son. The therapist then said to me, "Do you know that you are totally discounting his feelings when you respond by telling him to think of the positives after he tells you that he is upset about visitations and your family moving into two houses. You are basically saying this, ‘Hey there, your feelings don't really count, and you should think this way instead." I was so shocked and upset when I realized that my reassurances were basically telling him to shove his feelings down and just be happy. I felt like the worst parent in the world.
By talking honestly about their feelings, parents and children can start to heal
That night as my son launched into another tantrum I said to him, "Do you miss me when you are at your daddy's house? Did you know that I sure do miss you when you are there? And, did you also know that I think that it is sad that our family is now in two different houses? Does that make you sad also?" His little eyes lit up and he began to share how the divorce and the visitations made him feel sad and angry. I told him, "It is okay that you feel that way. Your feelings are totally normal and I hear you. I really hear how you feel." By acknowledging his pain and letting him feel it made it a lot easier for us to move forward. After that conversation, he did start looking at the positives and adjusting to the visitations. So, I thought to myself, here I am a good parent, and I was doing the totally wrong thing to help my child get through this divorce and visitation schedule. How many other good parents are out there doing their best in this tough situation, but they and their children are not really getting down to the nitty-gritty of how they feel so that they can move forward? It is my hope that this book is the spark that helps.
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